The Universal Studios cast was one short as my bunnetted friend Angus decided he had already done the theme park thing when he was younger. Instead he opted to head on a star tour taking in some famous people's homes and LA sights. His shrewd decision was to benefit the group later...
As it was a Friday and a little out of season we managed to dodge big queues at the theme park, save for at the entry to the park and when we waited to get on the back lot tour.
I love films so just being at Universal Studios was enough to make my pants go all tight. It's quite cool walking round and seeing a Flintstones cafe and Doc Emmitt Brown walking about.
But most people come here for the rides. The first one we tried was a Shrek one. It was okay, but there was a ten minute prologue which basically re-capped the plot of the first Shrek film.
The T2 one I think was the first of it's kind and it felt a bit dated for a number of reasons. The actor playing John Connor looked like he had been playing the role since 1992. when he was the same age as John Connor in the film. Apparently, though, he doesn't fill up on Ambrosia.
We ventured into a ghost house for ten minutes which was a pretty touching experience. Because strangers all grab each others body parts for support. It was like a date with ten Artie Ziffs. Highlights include:
- me jumping four feet in the air when a werewolf leapt out at me
- one of the teenage girls in front of us lying on the floor covering her face rather than keep walking
- another of those girls running away from a werewolf and straight into a wall trying to evade an axe-wielding madman
- the smell of ham when walking through the trussed up corpses
The drop didn't seem that much but the anticipation was intense...
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| Steven Black: scared and evil in equal measure, like Damian in the first Omen film |
After conquering this we decided to tackle the roller-coasters. First up was the Mummy. The entry line was serenaded by an Ancient Egyptian warbling on about death and Imohtep. Pfft, I laughed this off and strapped myself in to the third roller-coaster of my life. Mark2 and I were so at ease being thrown about like old sandals we reminisced about an old friend of his I had met.
The last ride of the day was the Simpsons virtual roller-coaster. The waiting time to get on was longer than Apu's surname but when we got on it was worth it. Falling off the side of the roller-coaster and landing in Maggie's mouth were perfectly simulated. The nappy smells, when appropriate, were noticed also.
Now, Mark2 hatched a plan to pose for the inevitable climax photo, however that pesky Krusty scuppered us by taking it at an even more unexpected time than the unexpected time that we expected it at. D'oh!
The highlight of the backlot tour was being in the midst of a 3-D fight between King Kong and two T-rexes. This involved our tram falling through trees, suspended on vines, King Kong jumping on top and T-rex spit in the face. Travellers on Glasgow public transport may be used to the excess saliva.
Back at the hotel I dressed and we headed to an Italian restaurant on Sunset Strip that Angus had discovered that day. Following on from my breakfast I broke another meal-time tradition. I never order two courses of the same meat or two courses of seafood.
But in LA I was seduced by the glamour and became a whole new person. I had baby octopus to start, and lobster and spaghetti for my main.
Later on we headed to Whisky a Go Go, a bar famous for its decades of live music, and listened to some bog standard bands.
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| All of God's children's gotta drink to Arthur Lee |
The next day, our last in Los Angeles we headed to the Farmers Market and the Grove shopping precinct. The shopping disappointed me. Mostly as I couldn't find the LeBron James Miami Heat jersey I craved.
The Farmers market was great and in there I got an amazing chicken dinner from Bryan's Pit BBQ (http://www.farmersmarketla.com/directory/vendor/bryans_pit_bbq/index.html). I suggest you try it if you're ever down there. I loved all the food in LA.
From there it was finally time for Mark1 to answer "which way to the beach" as we headed to Venice Beach. Here I spotted my only celebrity - that wolf boy from channel five with hair all over his face! O great Odin's Razor, he's a hairy-faced mofo. He was outside a €5 freak show. Just in line to see the two-headed terrapins and snakes I thought so I didn't bother him for an autograph. I was too scared to go into the show. What if they kidnapped me and turned me into half-man, half-trout - fish boy! Aaarrrgh...
Instead I paid homage to the Bluths and got a frozen banana. It was nice but I did feel uncomfortable eating it. I decided to bin it after being singled out for heckling by a local. "Hey, frozen banana guy - you like sweaty girls?"
Like anyone else, I think it's perfectly acceptable in the right situation, sweaty women, but this was the end of my frozen banana. Halfway down.
From there it was a long drive back to Anthem. I made a playlist of songs to listen on the way back, and very deliberately chose some which ached my heart a little.
And with that I'm out like my coupons now Paul the Octopus is dead. So long fair tentacled friend
p.s. know what I loved about LA? It's warm during the day but cool, even cold, at night. You dress as you please to impress people
p.p.s. I want to move there one day and build a cult following as that quirky guy who walks places. No-one walks anywhere here. Not even to the bathroom in the morning (Segways). I could be like that happy guy in that Ray Bradbury story, happily sent to prison for walking.
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