USA - random ramblings

A couple of things I've left out when I've been striving to keep the word count from sending you, the reader, scrambling for porn or some other quicker fix on the internet.  Like a watermelon catapulting into a woman's face or a fresh joke on sickipedia.

 



Hey Marco!


1. Before we went into downtown Phoenix to see soem live music one of the funniest things ever happened:  Mark2 fell asleep on the couch.  With his mouth open.  Mark1 dressed up (er, down?) like a stripper cowboy and put a small frozen sausage in his mouth.  He suckled at the icy teat for what seemed like an eternity, maybe half a second, then rejected the frigid pork and said, "What is that?  It's cold."  No shit Marco...
2. When we walked into the bar on the first night in LA, some leather-waistcoated staff member said he recognised Mark2.  He looked a bit Mexican.  For the remainder of the holiday Mark2 and I very often imitated this guy appearing randomly at events through Mark's life and saying: "Hey Marco!  My friend, I've not seen you in a long time..."  By the time we had him appearing as a surprise Best Man, telling inappropriate jokes the rest of the gang wanted to gouge our eyes out with frozen sausages.  That didn't stop us...
3. Leaving this bar in LA there was a massive bouncer, giving out free cups of hot chocolate.  Mark2 and I couldn't believe our luck!  It was the funniest thing since "Hey Marco..."  We also impersonated this guy as a pusher saying. "Hey man, you want some Hooot Chocolate?  I poured it myself."  The group got so bored of this they considered burning our eyes out with orange flavoured hot chocolate (citrus stings the wound).  But, to be fair, we did alternate these two acts.
4. Gatorade's biggest fan.  On the way out of LA a guy crossed the road in front of us.  He stopped, slung his jacket over his shoulder, poured some cool, invigorating Gatorade down his woolly throat - aaaaahhh, then flicked his hair back and stood and nodded contentedly.  Good Gatorade.  He then leather coat slung, rinsed and repeated.  It was like an advert.  We all just looked at each other and nodded.  without a word being spoken agreed we should each buy him a bottle of the sweet elixir.  But when we got back with the bounty, he was gone.  He just wanted us to taste life as he did.  What a guy, what a drink.  Hangovers be damned.
5. The hotel in LA had an iPod docking station!  What an iPhone-tastic piece of news for us. Meant I was free to listen to John Farnham while getting ready to have my mumbly voice heard in Hollywood.
6. Daytime in LA was holiday temperature, hot enough to melt Katie Price's face.  But night-time was perfectly mild.  Cold in fact.  I regretted not taking a jacket, but felt safe in the knowledege that I wouldn't drown my jeans in sweat.
7. I want to move to LA and walk everywhere.  I'll gain a cult following.  They'll say, "Hey, there's that walkie-jocky!  Hey walking guy!  You suck!"  I'll enjoy my notoriety, I'm a bit of a weirdo anyway.  Then I'll be institutionalised for being TOO weird.  Like that guy Ray Brdabury wrote about.
8. A beautiful friendship with Mark2 was spawned poolside early in the holiday when we spotted evil mastermind "The Black Toenail" flip-flopping round the water's edge.  Appearances of the malevolent foot were milked more than a twenty-year-old Fresia by Mark and me.

USA Road Trip - soundtrack

Em, thought I'd share my LA-Anthem anthems, basically just copied and pasted from iTunes for those who wanna know.  Which answers my query!


✓ Wake Up: Daft Punk, Cassius & Bob Sinclar
✓ Sexy Dancer: Bob Sinclar
✓ Sex Girl (Thomas Gold Remix): George Morel Vs Chris Montana
✓ A Time To Be So Small: Interpol
✓ Time After Time: Cyndi Lauper
✓ Beachball 2003 (Extended Vocal Mix): Nalin & Kane
✓ Seven Days and One Week: B.B.E
✓ Pearl River: Johnny Shaker
✓ Maybe The People Would Be The Times Or Between Clark And Hilldale: Love
✓ Long Time: The Roots Feat. Peedi Peedi & Bunny Sigler
✓ These Days: Featuring Daz Dillinger Nate Dogg
✓ The Universal: Blur
✓ Ordinary World: Duran Duran
✓ Cherry, Cherry: Neil Diamond
✓ I'm A Slave 4 U: Britney Spears
✓ Things We Said Today: The Beatles
✓ You Do Something To Me: Paul Weller
✓ Heartbreaker: Will.I.Am  (Feat. Cheryl Cole)
✓ Heartbeats: José González
✓ Heartbreaker: Dionne Warwick
✓ Helicopter: Bloc Party
✓ Gasolina: Daddy Yankee ft. Pitbul & Lil' Jon
✓ Get Low: Flo Rida ft. T-Pain
✓ Float On: Floaters
✓ They Can't Take That Away From Me: Frank Sinatra
✓ You Dropped A Bomb On Me:       The Gap Band                 
✓ Can’t Speak French: Girls Aloud
✓ Crazy: Gnarls Barkley
✓ I Can't Go For That (No Can Do): Hall & Oates
✓ Batman the Movie (Main Theme): Danny Elfman
✓ Growing On Me: The Darkness
✓ Forgiven: The Space Brothers
✓ New York: Stephen Fretwell
✓ Whatever You Want: Status Quo
✓ Dakota: Stereophonics
✓ I Wanna Be Adored: The Stone Roses
✓ Gypsy (Live Acoustic 2000): Stevie Nicks & Lindsey Buckingham
✓ Turn It Around (Original Edit): Alena
✓ Waiting In Vain: Bob Marley & The Wailers
✓ Love Minus Zero/No Limit: Bob Dylan
✓ The Union Forever: The White Stripes
✓ Bullet The Blue Sky: U2
✓ Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me: U2
✓ Good Mourning: Talib Kweli
✓ He's on the Phone: St. Etienne
✓ Everybody Wants To Rule The World: Tears For Fears
✓ Push The Feeling On (M.K. Dub Revisited Edit): The Nightcrawlers
✓ Hideaway (Deep Dish Radio Mix): Delacy
✓ Truth Or Dare: N*E*R*D Feat. Kelis & Pusha T
✓ In My Arms Mylo Vs Tocadisco: Mylo Vs Tocadisco
✓ Keep The Customer Satisfied: Marsha Hunt
✓ Electric Feel: MGMT
✓ In My Eyes: Milk Inc.
✓ The Proud: Talib Kweli
✓ The Best is Yet to Come: Tony Bennett
✓ Weeping Willow: The Verve
✓ Part Of The Queue: Oasis
✓ Where Do We Go: Talib Kweli Feat. Res
✓ Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me: The Smiths
✓ Kiss From A Rose: Seal
✓ Lost Desire: The Roots Feat. Malik B. & Talib Kweli
✓ Paint It Black: The Rolling Stones
✓ Favor For A Favor: NaS Feat. Scarface
✓ Uptown Anthem: Naughty By Nature
✓ Candy Shop (Feat. Olivia): 50 Cent
✓ Got My Mind Made Up: 2Pac
✓ One In Ten: UB40
✓ Take It (Closing Time) (Haji & Emanuel Edit): Tom Novy & Lima
✓ Woman to Woman: Joe Cocker
✓ Make A Move on Me (Joey Negro Club Mix): Joey Negro
✓ Bling: John Acquaviva & Madox
✓ Jealous Guy: John Lennon
✓ Horse With No Name: America
✓ Haiti: The Arcade Fire
✓ Meet Me Halfway: Black Eyed Peas

USA Road Trip - LA Days and Phoenix Nights

The first time I ever woke up in LA I felt fresh and ready to get involved in some Universal Studios.  On this day I broke with tradition and had Fruit Loops for breakfast instead of my favoured Apple Jaks.

The Universal Studios cast was one short as my bunnetted friend Angus decided he had already done the theme park thing when he was younger.  Instead he opted to head on a star tour taking in some famous people's homes and LA sights.  His shrewd decision was to benefit the group later...

As it was a Friday and a little out of season we managed to dodge big queues at the theme park, save for at the entry to the park and when we waited to get on the back lot tour.

I love films so just being at Universal Studios was enough to make my pants go all tight.  It's quite cool walking round and seeing a Flintstones cafe and Doc Emmitt Brown walking about.

But most people come here for the rides.  The first one we tried was a Shrek one.  It was okay, but there was a ten minute prologue which basically re-capped the plot of the first Shrek film. 

The T2 one I think was the first of it's kind and it felt a bit dated for a number of reasons.  The actor playing John Connor looked like he had been playing the role since 1992. when he was the same age as John Connor in the film.  Apparently, though, he doesn't fill up on Ambrosia.

We ventured into a ghost house for ten minutes which was a pretty touching experience.  Because strangers all grab each others body parts for support.  It was like a date with ten Artie Ziffs.  Highlights include:

• me jumping four feet in the air when a werewolf leapt out at me
• one of the teenage girls in front of us lying on the floor covering her face rather than keep walking
• another of those girls running away from a werewolf and straight into a wall trying to evade an axe-wielding madman
• the smell of ham when walking through the trussed up corpses

After the ghost house we started to get more adventurous and headed for the Jurassic Park water ride.  This involved an 80 foot drop.  Which we kept quiet from Mark2 due to his fear of heights.

The drop didn't seem that much but the anticipation was intense...




Steven Black: scared and evil in equal measure, like Damian in the first Omen film


After conquering this we decided to tackle the roller-coasters.  First up was the Mummy.  The entry line was serenaded by an Ancient Egyptian warbling on about death and Imohtep.  Pfft, I laughed this off and strapped myself in to the third roller-coaster of my life.  Mark2 and I were so at ease being thrown about like old sandals we reminisced about an old friend of his I had met.

The last ride of the day was the Simpsons virtual roller-coaster.  The waiting time to get on was longer than Apu's surname but when we got on it was worth it.  Falling off the side of the roller-coaster and landing in Maggie's mouth were perfectly simulated.  The nappy smells, when appropriate, were noticed also.

Now, Mark2 hatched a plan to pose for the inevitable climax photo, however that pesky Krusty scuppered us by taking it at an even more unexpected time than the unexpected time that we expected it at.  D'oh!

The highlight of the backlot tour was being in the midst of a 3-D fight between King Kong and two T-rexes.  This involved our tram falling through trees, suspended on vines, King Kong jumping on top and T-rex spit in the face.  Travellers on Glasgow public transport may be used to the excess saliva.

Back at the hotel I dressed and we headed to an Italian restaurant on Sunset Strip that Angus had discovered that day.  Following on from my breakfast I broke another meal-time tradition.  I never order two courses of the same meat or two courses of seafood.

But in LA I was seduced by the glamour and became a whole new person.  I had baby octopus to start, and lobster and spaghetti for my main. 

Later on we headed to Whisky a Go Go, a bar famous for its decades of live music, and listened to some bog standard bands.



All of God's children's gotta drink to Arthur Lee



After that we all separated in search of various things:  rock and roll history, friendship, Ray Finkle and Heidi from the Hills.  I think only one turned up.

The next day, our last in Los Angeles we headed to the Farmers Market and the Grove shopping precinct.  The shopping disappointed me.  Mostly as I couldn't find the LeBron James Miami Heat jersey I craved.

The Farmers market was great and in there I got an amazing chicken dinner from Bryan's Pit BBQ (http://www.farmersmarketla.com/directory/vendor/bryans_pit_bbq/index.html).  I suggest you try it if you're ever down there.  I loved all the food in LA.

From there it was finally time for Mark1 to answer "which way to the beach" as we headed to Venice Beach.  Here I spotted my only celebrity - that wolf boy from channel five with hair all over his face!  O great Odin's Razor, he's a hairy-faced mofo.  He was outside a €5 freak show.  Just in line to see the two-headed terrapins and snakes I thought so I didn't bother him for an autograph.  I was too scared to go into the show.  What if they kidnapped me and turned me into half-man, half-trout - fish boy!  Aaarrrgh...

Instead I paid homage to the Bluths and got a frozen banana.  It was nice but I did feel uncomfortable eating it.  I decided to bin it after being singled out for heckling by a local.  "Hey, frozen banana guy - you like sweaty girls?"

Like anyone else, I think it's perfectly acceptable in the right situation, sweaty women, but this was the end of my frozen banana.  Halfway down.

From there it was a long drive back to Anthem.  I made a playlist of songs to listen on the way back, and very deliberately chose some which ached my heart a little.

And with that I'm out like my coupons now Paul the Octopus is dead.  So long fair tentacled friend

p.s. know what I loved about LA?  It's warm during the day but cool, even cold, at night.  You dress as you please to impress people

p.p.s.  I want to move there one day and build a cult following as that quirky guy who walks places.  No-one walks anywhere here.  Not even to the bathroom in the morning (Segways).  I could be like that happy guy in that Ray Bradbury story, happily sent to prison for walking.

Road Trip - curtains for Vegas

The three amigoes woke up on our final full day in Vegas feeling pretty rough from the night before so we decided some good hearty food was in order.  We headed to Hooters and had some burgers, chicken wings and desserts.  On the way out of the Hooters hotel we put $20 on black.  It never came up this time.

With the finances creaking like Mr Burns' bones we discussed the night out ahead.  To save some money we spoke to the PR guys outside LAX nightclub in the Luxor.  They agreed to put us all on the guest list, which meant free entry.  This was a boost and meant we had more money to spend on ten dollar drinks later.  I'd say that's tying the system, not beating it.

Before heading out Angus and I walked the strip while Mark1 slept off his Hooters chicken wings and cheesecake.

Angus and I cut through some of the hotels we hadn't been in yet, including the City.  Being an architect my frined was really enamoured with the design and scope of this hotel.  I was quite impressed myself, though standing in its shadow I thought it reminded my of Frankfurt.  Very central business district-like.  Inside was the usual opulence, but anything we'd seen yet was soon to be trumped.  Not by the water show outside the Billagio, basically water dancing to a Frank Sinatra number.  Luck Be a Lady of course, this is Vegas.

We headed down to Caesar's Palace and when we'd piked up our jaws we agreed that this was indeed the most extravagant of the venues we'd been to in Las Vegas.  Whereas the Luxor bamboozleed you with its maze of slots and hieroglyphic directions, the size of the Palace dictates that you will have to take a rest at a roulette table at some point, it's either that or your legs fall off walking.

We spent some time walking round the shopping precinct and before we knew it, we'd left Mark1 for four hours. 

We got back to the Luxor, had some dinner, went for a cocktail in the Hard Rock Cafe and the hit LAX.  Only four of us ended up going so I decided to drink for the three who never made it.

My only memories are this:

• High-fiving a barmaid because she had decided to only paint every second fingernail black, I saluted her non-conformity
• Hearing someone behind me proudly chanting the song of the children of the knight, Robert the Bruce - "here we, here we, here we f***ing go!"
• Enjoying some banter with the Scottish chanter and his girlfriend, they were also on a road trip, albeit larger than ours.  They told us where to stay in LA, so credit them there
• Realising that, while Americans can't party liek Europeans, they do LOVE that Guetta and Akon song Sexy Chick and go off their heads when it comes on

Em, that's pretty much it for in LAX.  I had the common sense to pull myself out before I was asked to leave.  I stumbled up the stairs and dropped myself into a half-coma.

When I got up in the morning it was time to pack.  But before that I had $27 in chips from Excalibur left - so one last chance to throw it all on black.  Which I did.  It never came up.

So we set off for Los Angeles.




Steving Las Vegas: enjoying a quiet moment with my tummy and a poly bag under a palm tree


Driving to LA took a while.  And I a very bad hangover.  I kept getting them in America, must've been the water I used when brushing my teeth.

When we got there my stomach felt as if my mouth had had an affair and run off with some younger tummy.  One that was more adventurous and able to handle exotic foods and gallons of booze. 

So we all got quickly dressed and my empty belly's groans were reduced to a murmur when we crossed the Strip to a bar and had a look at the menu.

Sadly, my stomach's grumbles were to become more audible as a succession of soon to be film stars apologised for our wait and promised that someone would see to us right away...

A little over an hour later and my stomach gave up from gorging itself on the Andre the Giant of club sandwiches.  With one segment left.  But I did tuck away a full baked potato.

Angus and Stevie: runners up to some bread and meat

The bar we were in had a rodeo bull and no cocktail menu, so naturally the girls ordered French Martinis.  But were served, fluorescent pink vodka.  After much debate Angus, a qualified cocktail maker, was invited to help the barman out.  We left soon after and headed in the direction of Whisky a Go Go, a bar where Love and The Doors had played in years gone by. 

But a random Scottish traitor sent us in completely the wrong direction so we stopped in for some late beers with oranges in them in another bar.  Sorry for not remembering bar names.

We stayed for no more than an hour before heading back to the hotel for a failry early night to preserve fresh bodies and minds for the next day, at Universal Studios.

Until those stories, I'm out like my strawberry frappucino at the Las Vegas gas station...

USA Road Trip - Vegas Baby

The first thing I noticed about our hotel is how difficult it is to navigate.  From the gaming floor in the Luxor from any perspective all you can really see are slot machines.  It's like being stuck inside a giant diamond with a peacock looking in at you.  No matter where you turn it's all the same.  I guess they want you to just give up and start ploughing quarters into the machines.

Or at least head to a roulette table for some respite.

Looking around Vegas it struck me that the decadence on show would make the Romans blush.  Everything is glitzy and expensive.  It's always top-of-the-range.  If you've done something before you can do it in Vegas.  Only this time it's bigger, with blinking lights on it and a pretty girl with a big bust beside you.  Woo.

In the old empire all roads led to Rome.  Here all roads lead to a money sucking vortex with glitzy lights.  When we finally found our way out of the Luxor, we surfaced in Exacalibur, the hotel with the fairy tale castle at its front.  When we got to the drawbridge, that led directly to another casino.  MGM grand I think.  Jeez, there are a lot of them.

Banished from the kingdom of Excalibur, to the streets of New York

For all the ridiculous-themed hotels, one is based on New York City (New York-New York) another a pyramid (the Luxor), and all the pimps on street corners, the flashing lights, the big cars, the whooping Americans - I never found it tacky.

Maybe it's because I was in awe of the concepts and imagination behind each of the landmarks.  Or maybe it's because I was haemorragghing money and so enjoyed the free schtick.  Except the schtick ain't free and landmarks in Vegas are just...money-sucking vortexes.

The first night we mingled with some Swiss folks who thought we were Irish folks in an Irish bar in New York-New York on the Las Vegas Strip (confused?  It's Vegas baby!  Just blink with the lights).


From there we desperately tried to find a club, but on Monday nights there's not much on so we ended up in a dark little corner called Soundhaus or Rockhaus.  The night is hazy as we imbibed a fair amount of alcohol, be it free beers at the poker tables or $8.50 beers in pubs. 

Daylight was a stranger to me the next day, but in the early evening we caught a performance of KÀ by Cirque Du Soleil at the MGM Grand.  Have to say, the guys and girls in that troupe really are something.  The performance was mesmerising.  We particularly enjoyed the thonged man flying through the air.  He reminded us of a man who ripped open Angus's shirt then exposed our friend's man-bits in Pacha in Ibiza a few years back.

As a budding journalist, I have to say, the thought of meeting the people with the imagination and craft to create such a show excites me.

After KÀ we headed to Studio 54 in New York-New York and danced the night away.  On the way home Mark1 and I decided to put $20 each on black in the Excalibur casino and walk away no matter the outcome.  I went to bed having lost $50 after that trip to the roulette table.  But we did enjoy some banter with a Colombian fellow, and an American chap and his Romanian girlfriend.  We called her 'Red' because she always bet on red.  Clever Scottish boys.

Oh we won that first bet by the way, the $40 on black.  But no-one walks away when they're up.

That's the first two nights in Vegas, and like our plucky young heroes at that roulette table, I'm out.

Road Trip - Las Vegas

The next activity, on the morning of Monday 4 October was the small matter of packing a bag for trips to Las Vegas and Los Angeles.

We had some trouble doing this as the three amigos were sharing a case and one who shall not be named felt that he required more clothes to dress his person than the other two.  I'm not saying it was Angus but I will say it was neither Mark 1 nor I.

With the bags packed we saddled up the Durango and followed Mark and Lynsey's Uncle out of Anthem and on the road to Las Vegas, Nevada. 

On the way we stopped into a little roadside diner for some brunch.  Of course, I had an enchilada which could constipate a blue whale - I was in America people.

After eating we headed out behind the diner where the owners keep their pet peacocks (hmmm...I wondered what that mystery enchilada filling was) and fed them and the goldfish.  The most ravenous goldfish ever.  One piece of fish food dropped in the pond would spark off a feeding frenzy as if John Terry had walked into a charity auction held by the Kardashians.  Tens of hungry fish mouths popping out of the water, desperate for some of that nutritious fishy food goodness.  Mm-mm.

On the way out we meandered through the gift shop and raised eyebrows at the $6,500.00 price tags on little native American dolls with Detroit Piston basketball jerseys on.  If only I had that kind of money on my person.  Then I could have locked it in my body wallet and baked that inside a breakfast burrito and eaten the burrito, just to resist the temptation to buy one.



A road trip wouldn't be complete without a breakdown somewhere along the line.  Ours came three hours from Vegas.



I celebrated my win by trying to conduct lightning



Whilst Mark 1 and his uncle tinkered with the fan belt, Angus and I decided it was best not to get bent out of shape worrying about whether we would get to Vegas and have the life squeezed out of us by the monster of daytime gambling or get eaten by wild coyotes in the baking hot desert.  We put that to the back of our minds and played noughts and crosses in the sand with a big stick.  Somewhere I know Jack Kerouac would be applauding our traveller's spunk, meeting adversity with a shrug of the shoulders and adapting to the situation on the fly.

The upshot is that Mark 1's cousin and her husband came and picked some of us up and most of us left in the two operational cars.  Mark 1 and his uncle John martyred themselves and stayed behind to wait for a pick-up truck.  Two brave soldiers, alone with each other.  In the harsh, unforgiving badlands. Surrounded by poisonous creatures of malicious intent.  Faced with the baking hot sun.  Manbag-less. With no Cheetos and no fresh water.

We never saw them again.

For the next six hours.  When we did met up with them again we had been wowed by the Hoover Dam and the new bridge being constructed next to it.  Angus was particularly mesmerised by the Art Deco details on the Dam, particularly at the gents' restrooms.  He's an architect so he understands this stuff.

We also had a problem checking in at our hotel, the Luxor, as Mark1 was the name on our room.  Luckily we had his passport, so I just adopted my best architect's accent (he's one of them too) and signed in as him.  Scottish traveller's - 1, Vegas hotel staff - 0.

It would be the last time we got one over on any of the hotels in Vegas.

Tales of Vegas will continue on the next post, I'm sure you've only read this far for them so for that I apologise suckers.

But for now, like a JLS torso - I'm out

x

Road Trip - interlude

Can't belive I've forgot to mention this, but from the night in Flagstaff on this guy would show up and have the pesky kids in fits of laughter at every turn, don't know what you'll make of it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbsSeVr5NSI

I'm just disappointed it isn't called a Masterweight...

USA chapter four, the one where the gang pop guns

Before I type any more, I'm going to introduce you to the pesky kids embroiled in these adventures:

Steven (Me)
Mark 1
Angus
Lynsey (sister of Mark 1)
Mark 2 (boyfriend of Lynsey)
Katrina (sister of Mark 2)
Martin (Katrina's boyfriend)

In Arizona we stayed with and visited the amazing family of Mark 1 and Lynsey

After the Grand Canyon I decided to repay my body some overdue sleeping deficits. 

The next day I arose bright and early headed out for burritos and coffee.  With coffee and eggs swilling in my belly I prepared for the day's activities - heading out into the desert and shooting vagrants. 

Okay, it wasn't vagrants - it was cans and bottles and targets we popped caps in.

Preparation for heading into the desert means wearing long trousers to protect your legs from scorpion stings and rattlesnake bites.  It's the ABCs of life:

Apple Jacks for breakfast
Brush your teeth to defend against evil DK and his cavity-causing armies
Cover your legs to protect against assorted venoms

Me being protective of my clothing though, I opted not to go with a pair of my good jeans and instead donned a pair of 3/4 length black trousers and football socks pulled up to ward off Sammy Snake and Sidney Scorpion.  One look at my modified, sporty armour and they'd be off to the hills looking for a less well-prepared target.

Like a breakfast steak with two over-easy eggs on top.  Human race - 1, creatures - 0.

Firing guns was a lot more fun than I thought.  Once you get over the loud noises they make.  It's like Ian Paisley singing karaoke when the various weapons start discharging at the targets.

For my part I destroyed three plastic bottles and hit my target three times.  I'm no T-800 but I'm no Filip Sebo either, when I got a feel for it I took my enemies down.

Sadly for Mark 2 though, shooting games revealed why we kept getting a wet bum when sitting on the toilet seat - with six shots he couldn't hit the target once.

Mark 2: less hits than Victoria Beckham

After some lunch and a dip in the pool we got dressed up and headed into Phoenix to see some live music in a bar which I can best describe as resembling Dumbo's bedroom.

On every table was a huge bucket of monkey nuts and on the floor were thousands of discarded monkey nut shells. 

The first band were usual live music fayre - all the excitement of chewing monkey nut shells.  The second band were better, and amused me as the bassist had a face which reminded me of Richard from the game Guess Who?  Completely bald head with a thick brown beard running along his chin.  Plus he could only meet questions with a 'yes' or 'no' response.

On the following day, Sunday 3 October, we hit the gym first thing in the morning, splashed in the pool and then set off for a barbecue/pool party.

Before heading to the party we spent $200 on cocktail ingredients.

At the party the locals mostly stayed away from the pool as it was a freezing 85 degrees.  Nothing could stop the Scottish invasion though as we donned our swim shorts and splashed for William Wallace, John Logie Baird and Jimmy Krankie.

Two notable things happened at the party:

1.  Mark 2 proposed to Lynsey, she said yes
2.  I got a bit confused making three gin slings (six shots of gin, three each of sugar water and lime juice) and ended up with a suicide rummer (six shots of rum, one shot each of sugar water and lime juice).  Many innocent brain cells were lost to this drink.

Okay, that's another two days and with that I'm out, like M. Night Shyamalan twists.

*disclaimer, no vagrants were harmed for the purposes of this blog

USA Part III - Retroactivities

30 September/1 October 2010

The road tripping was set off with a journey north up Interstate 17 to a little town called Sedona, about 70 miles north of base camp in Anthem, on the way passing the Chapel of the Holy Cross, which is situated slap bang in the middle of the red mountains.


Here amongst the red rock surroundings I learned a valuable lesson about the USA - any food can be turned into a breakfast by adding an egg to it.  I know this because whilst in Sedona I had the breakfast pizza on a cafe terrace.  It was topped with cheese, chorizo and egg of course.

If you don't believe me, why not try one of the outlets which sell sausage and egg breakfast burritos.

Pizzas and burritos just not stretching the stomach enough for you?  Then head to Denny's and order this T-bone steak for breakfast: http://www.dennys.com/en/menu.aspx?menuid=13&parentid=40. 

With full bellies from our sit-down in Sedona we continued on up I-17 to a natural water slide.  I had no idea what to expect heading up to Slide Rock.  I mean I had been told that it was rocky and slidey and that gallons of fun was to be had diving and sliding on the slimey, erm, rocks but with me being more Teddy Grylls than Bear Grylls I was a bit anxious.

Slide Rock: too much sun could make your skin look like this

Alas, my first experience of nature since battering and barbecuing a fish in 2001 couldn't have been more fun.  Like an excited lemming I plunged into the freezing water (temperatures were in the high 90s but the water comes all the way from the Rockies) from rocks 15 feet high and then led an expedition upstream, fighting the current and over-sized flip flops as my unit reached the top of the stream before drying off and heading further along the I-17 to our next destination.

Flagstaff is a city with a strong student population and as it was the traditional student night out, Thursday, we felt we should get involved.  After finding a real American motel, the type of place where sex-obsessed teenagers meet their bloody doom in Hollywood, we got changed and headed to an Irish bar for some late supper.

We decided to stay when the bar staff told us that all drinks were $1 after 9pm (That's about 75p in Anglo cash readers!).

What transpired was a a messy evening of epic proportions.  It was the Lionel Messi of messy nights in fact.  Drinking four Vodkas at once is not to be advised.  Unless you like vomiting the rainbow the next day. 

Following the night in flagstaff, we got dressed for our trip to the Grand Canyon.  Sensibly, rather than put the others off their breakfasts in Denny's with my lime-green complexion, I decided to grab onto the world and hold onto a grassy knoll just round the corner.  This wee piece of Nirvana was disturbed when the sprinklers rained me off.  Where is Cliff Richard and his brolly when I need them?

As for the Grand Canyon, well you could probably fill it with superlatives about the awesome size of it. 

For me, I felt proud of our dear blue and green planet as I stood at the precipice.  It's a completely natural phenomenon and the scope of it is just breathtaking.  To think that something so vast and distinct exists is really something.

The journey back to Anthem was long and a chance to wring some of Flagstaff out of my system. 

Next up, more hairy-chest activities and a trip to a bar in Phoenix to see some live music!

For this post though, I'm out like my backside in Flagstaff.

USA Road Trip (the delayed) part II

OK, sorry for the delay.  It turned out to be harder than I thought to get access to a computer in the corporate maze of Las Vegas.

So I'll step back in time and re-run some of the events of last week.

On our first full day we just milled about Phoenix and visited the outlets during sun up.  The outlets are designer stores which sell out-of-season fashion at discounted rates.  I wonder why anyone would bother with the pricey boutiques when these shops exist?  I say that as someone who isn't immersed in fashion though, I just wear what I like.  Football socks, jeans, flowery shirts, printed tees, girly-coloured undies; the staples of my wardrobe.

As the temperature was simmering in the low 100s we decided that some time by the pool would be ideal, and headed back to the gated community in Anthem, just outside Phoenix, which is our base camp.

There is a country club with a pool, gym and steam room there so we got into our bathing suits and set about relaxing.

In my last post I touched on how uncomfortable air travel was for me - I just feel alien crushed in a flying sardine can, like a giant American spider trying to drive a manual gear-shift Mini Cooper.  But oozing vitamin D by the pool with the sound of water lapping and my mind free of cares seemed like the most natural thing in the world to me.  Despite the fact that my skin reacts to the sun's rays like humans to the Martians' death rays in War of the Worlds by turning to a horrible red weed, I felt like I had been in this existence forever and that I would continue in the same vein for an infinite time.

Bah.

After the pool time we dodged the obligatory wrinkly exhibitionist and his curious penis and slinked in for a steam room.  Though our relaxation in here was still wary that when the steam cleared the nudey man would appear from the mist, like a naked Jack the Ripper, minus the evil intent.  "Hello boys!"

After our steam we took advantage of the free Brut and set off across town to take in a high school (American) football game.  The 45-minute journey through badlands and along freeways and past suburban areas impressed upon the scale of this Land of the Free.  It's like God had the land, screwed it up into a ball, designed all of the landmarks then smoothed out the land laving huge gaps meaning that every journey required the use of a car.  The big Ominiscience must be on some kind of fuel commission.  Or maybe He finds it funny seeing people bursting for the toilet fumbling for car keys just to relieve themselves.

This huge scale was hammered home by the game, played in a rough 'hood on a Wednesday night, as it had a higher attendance than a Kilmarnock game in the SPL.  Our team imploded in the fourth quarter and squandered a two-touchdown lead.

My next post will (finally) include real road trip banter as I tell you about our trips to Sedons, Flagstaff and the Grand Canyon.  I hope we avoided talking about sex and then being tortured like the road-tripping teens in those movies Wrong turn and House of 1000 Corpses.  Gulp.

Until then, like the inhibitions of Mr Teak-wood, our wrinkled country club obstacle - I'm out. 

Big Hugs from the Big Country.