USA Road Trip - the last hurrah

I've been back for three weeks and the thought of signing off this blog is weighing heavy on my heart.

Once I finish our story, all I'll have are the photos to look over and over and over...

Sunday, 10 October.  We were woken with the news that we'd be treated to another barbecue/pool party, which meant two things:

1. Again we were being treated
2. We would be using those plastic cups I see in all the films with house parties.  You know the ones, in American Pie

But before that there was still some things I had to take care of - I wanted a white Brandon Marshall Miami Dolphins jersey, and I wnted to mark the coronation of King James down on South Beach with a white LeBron Miami HEAT jersey.

So I tokk my talenst to the mall.  Sadly, the only Marshall jersey was too big.  But I did get the sleek black HEAT jersey, complete with #6 James on it.  Kiss my face!

Whilst at the mall we also picked up House of 1000 Corpses to watch after the barbecue.  It's one of my favourite road movie horrors, up there with Wrong Turn and the Alexandre Aja remake of Wes Craven's Hills Have Eyes.  We were inspired to watch it when coming home from LA.  Home, ah...

We headed to the pool party and the Scottish contingent tried to create living monuments to the USA by climbing on each other in the pool.  It worked for the French, but our efforts were more Statue of Slippery. 



They denied it publicly, but the slashed production budget had affected the perfomances of Cirque du Soleil


A game of killer was started on the pool table and yours truly, despite coming up with the idea, crashed out by the end of his second shot.  I ended up saying hello to Jimmy Hoffa underneath the table.

When it came to watching the film, it took us the time it takes to de-compose 1000 corpses to figure out how to work the DVD player and TV.

The next day, our last full one and we opened with a visit to The Good Egg for breakfast.  I had the following with a side of pancakes:

LUMBERJACK

Ham, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, onions, bell peppers, potatoes, melted cheeses, a blanket of sausage gravy & scallions on top. Served w/a buttermilk biscuit, honey & butter.
$9.50

I also polished off Mark1's toast.

After that it was up for another splash in the pool and my old familiar deer-in-the-headlights, slow-the-world-down-I-want-to-take-part-in-my-life-before-it-finishes-feeling.  What I'm trying to say is, I didn't want to come home.

In any case we seven travellers took our hosts out for a nice Chinese meal.  I ordered a dish with scallops and as generosity descended I had quite a lot of everyone else's as well.  Big hugs to Mark2 for sending his General Chicken down the table on an ambush of my tastebuds.

Mark1's uncle John wondered what America would do with the leftovers at his house when I was back in the rain of my dear Glasgow.

With dinner polished off we headed to the Road Runner, the local middle of the desert pub for some drinks.  We met some great American soldiers who were driving cross country in their Harley Davidsons.  Real honest, great guys who were taken with our Scottish wit.



As the flea circus lined up it's next stunt, the crowd waited patiently

The last day, and it was my birthday.  With some cash to burn some of us decided to hit another mall.  I wanted that Brandon Marshall jersey!

Alas, I wouldn't get the jersey of the man they call "The Beast" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-M1SlbJXto) so I had to make do with some Dolphins jammies and an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball top.  When in Rome...

Back at the house we watched the Scotland vs. Spain epic.  I had a good feeling as whilst in the Highlander pub in San Antonio in Ibiza in 2007 Angus, Mark1 and I watched James McFadden strike a ball from Sauchiehall Street all the way to the back of the net in France as Scotland triumphed 1-0 over the sons of Napoleon in their own vineyard!  You know how it ended this time though.

Next was dinner followed by a birthday cake for a very embarrassed and chuffed wee boy.

Thanks to:

• The opportunity to have my American oddyssey afforded by my great friend Mark Lewis, his mum and his sister.  Thanks Lewis.
• The unbeliveable warmth and generosity and open arms shown by all of his family.  I salute all of you and thank you for suffering my bad jokes and quirks.  I hope I see you all again sometime.  Big hugs to you all.

Before I go, I'd just like to say - I like bullet points.  I've earned the right to use them like Simon Cowell uses X-Factor wannabes.

And on that bombshell, I'm out - like me from America.

x

USA - random ramblings

A couple of things I've left out when I've been striving to keep the word count from sending you, the reader, scrambling for porn or some other quicker fix on the internet.  Like a watermelon catapulting into a woman's face or a fresh joke on sickipedia.

 



Hey Marco!


1. Before we went into downtown Phoenix to see soem live music one of the funniest things ever happened:  Mark2 fell asleep on the couch.  With his mouth open.  Mark1 dressed up (er, down?) like a stripper cowboy and put a small frozen sausage in his mouth.  He suckled at the icy teat for what seemed like an eternity, maybe half a second, then rejected the frigid pork and said, "What is that?  It's cold."  No shit Marco...
2. When we walked into the bar on the first night in LA, some leather-waistcoated staff member said he recognised Mark2.  He looked a bit Mexican.  For the remainder of the holiday Mark2 and I very often imitated this guy appearing randomly at events through Mark's life and saying: "Hey Marco!  My friend, I've not seen you in a long time..."  By the time we had him appearing as a surprise Best Man, telling inappropriate jokes the rest of the gang wanted to gouge our eyes out with frozen sausages.  That didn't stop us...
3. Leaving this bar in LA there was a massive bouncer, giving out free cups of hot chocolate.  Mark2 and I couldn't believe our luck!  It was the funniest thing since "Hey Marco..."  We also impersonated this guy as a pusher saying. "Hey man, you want some Hooot Chocolate?  I poured it myself."  The group got so bored of this they considered burning our eyes out with orange flavoured hot chocolate (citrus stings the wound).  But, to be fair, we did alternate these two acts.
4. Gatorade's biggest fan.  On the way out of LA a guy crossed the road in front of us.  He stopped, slung his jacket over his shoulder, poured some cool, invigorating Gatorade down his woolly throat - aaaaahhh, then flicked his hair back and stood and nodded contentedly.  Good Gatorade.  He then leather coat slung, rinsed and repeated.  It was like an advert.  We all just looked at each other and nodded.  without a word being spoken agreed we should each buy him a bottle of the sweet elixir.  But when we got back with the bounty, he was gone.  He just wanted us to taste life as he did.  What a guy, what a drink.  Hangovers be damned.
5. The hotel in LA had an iPod docking station!  What an iPhone-tastic piece of news for us. Meant I was free to listen to John Farnham while getting ready to have my mumbly voice heard in Hollywood.
6. Daytime in LA was holiday temperature, hot enough to melt Katie Price's face.  But night-time was perfectly mild.  Cold in fact.  I regretted not taking a jacket, but felt safe in the knowledege that I wouldn't drown my jeans in sweat.
7. I want to move to LA and walk everywhere.  I'll gain a cult following.  They'll say, "Hey, there's that walkie-jocky!  Hey walking guy!  You suck!"  I'll enjoy my notoriety, I'm a bit of a weirdo anyway.  Then I'll be institutionalised for being TOO weird.  Like that guy Ray Brdabury wrote about.
8. A beautiful friendship with Mark2 was spawned poolside early in the holiday when we spotted evil mastermind "The Black Toenail" flip-flopping round the water's edge.  Appearances of the malevolent foot were milked more than a twenty-year-old Fresia by Mark and me.

USA Road Trip - soundtrack

Em, thought I'd share my LA-Anthem anthems, basically just copied and pasted from iTunes for those who wanna know.  Which answers my query!


✓ Wake Up: Daft Punk, Cassius & Bob Sinclar
✓ Sexy Dancer: Bob Sinclar
✓ Sex Girl (Thomas Gold Remix): George Morel Vs Chris Montana
✓ A Time To Be So Small: Interpol
✓ Time After Time: Cyndi Lauper
✓ Beachball 2003 (Extended Vocal Mix): Nalin & Kane
✓ Seven Days and One Week: B.B.E
✓ Pearl River: Johnny Shaker
✓ Maybe The People Would Be The Times Or Between Clark And Hilldale: Love
✓ Long Time: The Roots Feat. Peedi Peedi & Bunny Sigler
✓ These Days: Featuring Daz Dillinger Nate Dogg
✓ The Universal: Blur
✓ Ordinary World: Duran Duran
✓ Cherry, Cherry: Neil Diamond
✓ I'm A Slave 4 U: Britney Spears
✓ Things We Said Today: The Beatles
✓ You Do Something To Me: Paul Weller
✓ Heartbreaker: Will.I.Am  (Feat. Cheryl Cole)
✓ Heartbeats: José González
✓ Heartbreaker: Dionne Warwick
✓ Helicopter: Bloc Party
✓ Gasolina: Daddy Yankee ft. Pitbul & Lil' Jon
✓ Get Low: Flo Rida ft. T-Pain
✓ Float On: Floaters
✓ They Can't Take That Away From Me: Frank Sinatra
✓ You Dropped A Bomb On Me:       The Gap Band                 
✓ Can’t Speak French: Girls Aloud
✓ Crazy: Gnarls Barkley
✓ I Can't Go For That (No Can Do): Hall & Oates
✓ Batman the Movie (Main Theme): Danny Elfman
✓ Growing On Me: The Darkness
✓ Forgiven: The Space Brothers
✓ New York: Stephen Fretwell
✓ Whatever You Want: Status Quo
✓ Dakota: Stereophonics
✓ I Wanna Be Adored: The Stone Roses
✓ Gypsy (Live Acoustic 2000): Stevie Nicks & Lindsey Buckingham
✓ Turn It Around (Original Edit): Alena
✓ Waiting In Vain: Bob Marley & The Wailers
✓ Love Minus Zero/No Limit: Bob Dylan
✓ The Union Forever: The White Stripes
✓ Bullet The Blue Sky: U2
✓ Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me: U2
✓ Good Mourning: Talib Kweli
✓ He's on the Phone: St. Etienne
✓ Everybody Wants To Rule The World: Tears For Fears
✓ Push The Feeling On (M.K. Dub Revisited Edit): The Nightcrawlers
✓ Hideaway (Deep Dish Radio Mix): Delacy
✓ Truth Or Dare: N*E*R*D Feat. Kelis & Pusha T
✓ In My Arms Mylo Vs Tocadisco: Mylo Vs Tocadisco
✓ Keep The Customer Satisfied: Marsha Hunt
✓ Electric Feel: MGMT
✓ In My Eyes: Milk Inc.
✓ The Proud: Talib Kweli
✓ The Best is Yet to Come: Tony Bennett
✓ Weeping Willow: The Verve
✓ Part Of The Queue: Oasis
✓ Where Do We Go: Talib Kweli Feat. Res
✓ Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me: The Smiths
✓ Kiss From A Rose: Seal
✓ Lost Desire: The Roots Feat. Malik B. & Talib Kweli
✓ Paint It Black: The Rolling Stones
✓ Favor For A Favor: NaS Feat. Scarface
✓ Uptown Anthem: Naughty By Nature
✓ Candy Shop (Feat. Olivia): 50 Cent
✓ Got My Mind Made Up: 2Pac
✓ One In Ten: UB40
✓ Take It (Closing Time) (Haji & Emanuel Edit): Tom Novy & Lima
✓ Woman to Woman: Joe Cocker
✓ Make A Move on Me (Joey Negro Club Mix): Joey Negro
✓ Bling: John Acquaviva & Madox
✓ Jealous Guy: John Lennon
✓ Horse With No Name: America
✓ Haiti: The Arcade Fire
✓ Meet Me Halfway: Black Eyed Peas

USA Road Trip - LA Days and Phoenix Nights

The first time I ever woke up in LA I felt fresh and ready to get involved in some Universal Studios.  On this day I broke with tradition and had Fruit Loops for breakfast instead of my favoured Apple Jaks.

The Universal Studios cast was one short as my bunnetted friend Angus decided he had already done the theme park thing when he was younger.  Instead he opted to head on a star tour taking in some famous people's homes and LA sights.  His shrewd decision was to benefit the group later...

As it was a Friday and a little out of season we managed to dodge big queues at the theme park, save for at the entry to the park and when we waited to get on the back lot tour.

I love films so just being at Universal Studios was enough to make my pants go all tight.  It's quite cool walking round and seeing a Flintstones cafe and Doc Emmitt Brown walking about.

But most people come here for the rides.  The first one we tried was a Shrek one.  It was okay, but there was a ten minute prologue which basically re-capped the plot of the first Shrek film. 

The T2 one I think was the first of it's kind and it felt a bit dated for a number of reasons.  The actor playing John Connor looked like he had been playing the role since 1992. when he was the same age as John Connor in the film.  Apparently, though, he doesn't fill up on Ambrosia.

We ventured into a ghost house for ten minutes which was a pretty touching experience.  Because strangers all grab each others body parts for support.  It was like a date with ten Artie Ziffs.  Highlights include:

• me jumping four feet in the air when a werewolf leapt out at me
• one of the teenage girls in front of us lying on the floor covering her face rather than keep walking
• another of those girls running away from a werewolf and straight into a wall trying to evade an axe-wielding madman
• the smell of ham when walking through the trussed up corpses

After the ghost house we started to get more adventurous and headed for the Jurassic Park water ride.  This involved an 80 foot drop.  Which we kept quiet from Mark2 due to his fear of heights.

The drop didn't seem that much but the anticipation was intense...




Steven Black: scared and evil in equal measure, like Damian in the first Omen film


After conquering this we decided to tackle the roller-coasters.  First up was the Mummy.  The entry line was serenaded by an Ancient Egyptian warbling on about death and Imohtep.  Pfft, I laughed this off and strapped myself in to the third roller-coaster of my life.  Mark2 and I were so at ease being thrown about like old sandals we reminisced about an old friend of his I had met.

The last ride of the day was the Simpsons virtual roller-coaster.  The waiting time to get on was longer than Apu's surname but when we got on it was worth it.  Falling off the side of the roller-coaster and landing in Maggie's mouth were perfectly simulated.  The nappy smells, when appropriate, were noticed also.

Now, Mark2 hatched a plan to pose for the inevitable climax photo, however that pesky Krusty scuppered us by taking it at an even more unexpected time than the unexpected time that we expected it at.  D'oh!

The highlight of the backlot tour was being in the midst of a 3-D fight between King Kong and two T-rexes.  This involved our tram falling through trees, suspended on vines, King Kong jumping on top and T-rex spit in the face.  Travellers on Glasgow public transport may be used to the excess saliva.

Back at the hotel I dressed and we headed to an Italian restaurant on Sunset Strip that Angus had discovered that day.  Following on from my breakfast I broke another meal-time tradition.  I never order two courses of the same meat or two courses of seafood.

But in LA I was seduced by the glamour and became a whole new person.  I had baby octopus to start, and lobster and spaghetti for my main. 

Later on we headed to Whisky a Go Go, a bar famous for its decades of live music, and listened to some bog standard bands.



All of God's children's gotta drink to Arthur Lee



After that we all separated in search of various things:  rock and roll history, friendship, Ray Finkle and Heidi from the Hills.  I think only one turned up.

The next day, our last in Los Angeles we headed to the Farmers Market and the Grove shopping precinct.  The shopping disappointed me.  Mostly as I couldn't find the LeBron James Miami Heat jersey I craved.

The Farmers market was great and in there I got an amazing chicken dinner from Bryan's Pit BBQ (http://www.farmersmarketla.com/directory/vendor/bryans_pit_bbq/index.html).  I suggest you try it if you're ever down there.  I loved all the food in LA.

From there it was finally time for Mark1 to answer "which way to the beach" as we headed to Venice Beach.  Here I spotted my only celebrity - that wolf boy from channel five with hair all over his face!  O great Odin's Razor, he's a hairy-faced mofo.  He was outside a €5 freak show.  Just in line to see the two-headed terrapins and snakes I thought so I didn't bother him for an autograph.  I was too scared to go into the show.  What if they kidnapped me and turned me into half-man, half-trout - fish boy!  Aaarrrgh...

Instead I paid homage to the Bluths and got a frozen banana.  It was nice but I did feel uncomfortable eating it.  I decided to bin it after being singled out for heckling by a local.  "Hey, frozen banana guy - you like sweaty girls?"

Like anyone else, I think it's perfectly acceptable in the right situation, sweaty women, but this was the end of my frozen banana.  Halfway down.

From there it was a long drive back to Anthem.  I made a playlist of songs to listen on the way back, and very deliberately chose some which ached my heart a little.

And with that I'm out like my coupons now Paul the Octopus is dead.  So long fair tentacled friend

p.s. know what I loved about LA?  It's warm during the day but cool, even cold, at night.  You dress as you please to impress people

p.p.s.  I want to move there one day and build a cult following as that quirky guy who walks places.  No-one walks anywhere here.  Not even to the bathroom in the morning (Segways).  I could be like that happy guy in that Ray Bradbury story, happily sent to prison for walking.

Road Trip - curtains for Vegas

The three amigoes woke up on our final full day in Vegas feeling pretty rough from the night before so we decided some good hearty food was in order.  We headed to Hooters and had some burgers, chicken wings and desserts.  On the way out of the Hooters hotel we put $20 on black.  It never came up this time.

With the finances creaking like Mr Burns' bones we discussed the night out ahead.  To save some money we spoke to the PR guys outside LAX nightclub in the Luxor.  They agreed to put us all on the guest list, which meant free entry.  This was a boost and meant we had more money to spend on ten dollar drinks later.  I'd say that's tying the system, not beating it.

Before heading out Angus and I walked the strip while Mark1 slept off his Hooters chicken wings and cheesecake.

Angus and I cut through some of the hotels we hadn't been in yet, including the City.  Being an architect my frined was really enamoured with the design and scope of this hotel.  I was quite impressed myself, though standing in its shadow I thought it reminded my of Frankfurt.  Very central business district-like.  Inside was the usual opulence, but anything we'd seen yet was soon to be trumped.  Not by the water show outside the Billagio, basically water dancing to a Frank Sinatra number.  Luck Be a Lady of course, this is Vegas.

We headed down to Caesar's Palace and when we'd piked up our jaws we agreed that this was indeed the most extravagant of the venues we'd been to in Las Vegas.  Whereas the Luxor bamboozleed you with its maze of slots and hieroglyphic directions, the size of the Palace dictates that you will have to take a rest at a roulette table at some point, it's either that or your legs fall off walking.

We spent some time walking round the shopping precinct and before we knew it, we'd left Mark1 for four hours. 

We got back to the Luxor, had some dinner, went for a cocktail in the Hard Rock Cafe and the hit LAX.  Only four of us ended up going so I decided to drink for the three who never made it.

My only memories are this:

• High-fiving a barmaid because she had decided to only paint every second fingernail black, I saluted her non-conformity
• Hearing someone behind me proudly chanting the song of the children of the knight, Robert the Bruce - "here we, here we, here we f***ing go!"
• Enjoying some banter with the Scottish chanter and his girlfriend, they were also on a road trip, albeit larger than ours.  They told us where to stay in LA, so credit them there
• Realising that, while Americans can't party liek Europeans, they do LOVE that Guetta and Akon song Sexy Chick and go off their heads when it comes on

Em, that's pretty much it for in LAX.  I had the common sense to pull myself out before I was asked to leave.  I stumbled up the stairs and dropped myself into a half-coma.

When I got up in the morning it was time to pack.  But before that I had $27 in chips from Excalibur left - so one last chance to throw it all on black.  Which I did.  It never came up.

So we set off for Los Angeles.




Steving Las Vegas: enjoying a quiet moment with my tummy and a poly bag under a palm tree


Driving to LA took a while.  And I a very bad hangover.  I kept getting them in America, must've been the water I used when brushing my teeth.

When we got there my stomach felt as if my mouth had had an affair and run off with some younger tummy.  One that was more adventurous and able to handle exotic foods and gallons of booze. 

So we all got quickly dressed and my empty belly's groans were reduced to a murmur when we crossed the Strip to a bar and had a look at the menu.

Sadly, my stomach's grumbles were to become more audible as a succession of soon to be film stars apologised for our wait and promised that someone would see to us right away...

A little over an hour later and my stomach gave up from gorging itself on the Andre the Giant of club sandwiches.  With one segment left.  But I did tuck away a full baked potato.

Angus and Stevie: runners up to some bread and meat

The bar we were in had a rodeo bull and no cocktail menu, so naturally the girls ordered French Martinis.  But were served, fluorescent pink vodka.  After much debate Angus, a qualified cocktail maker, was invited to help the barman out.  We left soon after and headed in the direction of Whisky a Go Go, a bar where Love and The Doors had played in years gone by. 

But a random Scottish traitor sent us in completely the wrong direction so we stopped in for some late beers with oranges in them in another bar.  Sorry for not remembering bar names.

We stayed for no more than an hour before heading back to the hotel for a failry early night to preserve fresh bodies and minds for the next day, at Universal Studios.

Until those stories, I'm out like my strawberry frappucino at the Las Vegas gas station...

USA Road Trip - Vegas Baby

The first thing I noticed about our hotel is how difficult it is to navigate.  From the gaming floor in the Luxor from any perspective all you can really see are slot machines.  It's like being stuck inside a giant diamond with a peacock looking in at you.  No matter where you turn it's all the same.  I guess they want you to just give up and start ploughing quarters into the machines.

Or at least head to a roulette table for some respite.

Looking around Vegas it struck me that the decadence on show would make the Romans blush.  Everything is glitzy and expensive.  It's always top-of-the-range.  If you've done something before you can do it in Vegas.  Only this time it's bigger, with blinking lights on it and a pretty girl with a big bust beside you.  Woo.

In the old empire all roads led to Rome.  Here all roads lead to a money sucking vortex with glitzy lights.  When we finally found our way out of the Luxor, we surfaced in Exacalibur, the hotel with the fairy tale castle at its front.  When we got to the drawbridge, that led directly to another casino.  MGM grand I think.  Jeez, there are a lot of them.

Banished from the kingdom of Excalibur, to the streets of New York

For all the ridiculous-themed hotels, one is based on New York City (New York-New York) another a pyramid (the Luxor), and all the pimps on street corners, the flashing lights, the big cars, the whooping Americans - I never found it tacky.

Maybe it's because I was in awe of the concepts and imagination behind each of the landmarks.  Or maybe it's because I was haemorragghing money and so enjoyed the free schtick.  Except the schtick ain't free and landmarks in Vegas are just...money-sucking vortexes.

The first night we mingled with some Swiss folks who thought we were Irish folks in an Irish bar in New York-New York on the Las Vegas Strip (confused?  It's Vegas baby!  Just blink with the lights).


From there we desperately tried to find a club, but on Monday nights there's not much on so we ended up in a dark little corner called Soundhaus or Rockhaus.  The night is hazy as we imbibed a fair amount of alcohol, be it free beers at the poker tables or $8.50 beers in pubs. 

Daylight was a stranger to me the next day, but in the early evening we caught a performance of KÀ by Cirque Du Soleil at the MGM Grand.  Have to say, the guys and girls in that troupe really are something.  The performance was mesmerising.  We particularly enjoyed the thonged man flying through the air.  He reminded us of a man who ripped open Angus's shirt then exposed our friend's man-bits in Pacha in Ibiza a few years back.

As a budding journalist, I have to say, the thought of meeting the people with the imagination and craft to create such a show excites me.

After KÀ we headed to Studio 54 in New York-New York and danced the night away.  On the way home Mark1 and I decided to put $20 each on black in the Excalibur casino and walk away no matter the outcome.  I went to bed having lost $50 after that trip to the roulette table.  But we did enjoy some banter with a Colombian fellow, and an American chap and his Romanian girlfriend.  We called her 'Red' because she always bet on red.  Clever Scottish boys.

Oh we won that first bet by the way, the $40 on black.  But no-one walks away when they're up.

That's the first two nights in Vegas, and like our plucky young heroes at that roulette table, I'm out.

Road Trip - Las Vegas

The next activity, on the morning of Monday 4 October was the small matter of packing a bag for trips to Las Vegas and Los Angeles.

We had some trouble doing this as the three amigos were sharing a case and one who shall not be named felt that he required more clothes to dress his person than the other two.  I'm not saying it was Angus but I will say it was neither Mark 1 nor I.

With the bags packed we saddled up the Durango and followed Mark and Lynsey's Uncle out of Anthem and on the road to Las Vegas, Nevada. 

On the way we stopped into a little roadside diner for some brunch.  Of course, I had an enchilada which could constipate a blue whale - I was in America people.

After eating we headed out behind the diner where the owners keep their pet peacocks (hmmm...I wondered what that mystery enchilada filling was) and fed them and the goldfish.  The most ravenous goldfish ever.  One piece of fish food dropped in the pond would spark off a feeding frenzy as if John Terry had walked into a charity auction held by the Kardashians.  Tens of hungry fish mouths popping out of the water, desperate for some of that nutritious fishy food goodness.  Mm-mm.

On the way out we meandered through the gift shop and raised eyebrows at the $6,500.00 price tags on little native American dolls with Detroit Piston basketball jerseys on.  If only I had that kind of money on my person.  Then I could have locked it in my body wallet and baked that inside a breakfast burrito and eaten the burrito, just to resist the temptation to buy one.



A road trip wouldn't be complete without a breakdown somewhere along the line.  Ours came three hours from Vegas.



I celebrated my win by trying to conduct lightning



Whilst Mark 1 and his uncle tinkered with the fan belt, Angus and I decided it was best not to get bent out of shape worrying about whether we would get to Vegas and have the life squeezed out of us by the monster of daytime gambling or get eaten by wild coyotes in the baking hot desert.  We put that to the back of our minds and played noughts and crosses in the sand with a big stick.  Somewhere I know Jack Kerouac would be applauding our traveller's spunk, meeting adversity with a shrug of the shoulders and adapting to the situation on the fly.

The upshot is that Mark 1's cousin and her husband came and picked some of us up and most of us left in the two operational cars.  Mark 1 and his uncle John martyred themselves and stayed behind to wait for a pick-up truck.  Two brave soldiers, alone with each other.  In the harsh, unforgiving badlands. Surrounded by poisonous creatures of malicious intent.  Faced with the baking hot sun.  Manbag-less. With no Cheetos and no fresh water.

We never saw them again.

For the next six hours.  When we did met up with them again we had been wowed by the Hoover Dam and the new bridge being constructed next to it.  Angus was particularly mesmerised by the Art Deco details on the Dam, particularly at the gents' restrooms.  He's an architect so he understands this stuff.

We also had a problem checking in at our hotel, the Luxor, as Mark1 was the name on our room.  Luckily we had his passport, so I just adopted my best architect's accent (he's one of them too) and signed in as him.  Scottish traveller's - 1, Vegas hotel staff - 0.

It would be the last time we got one over on any of the hotels in Vegas.

Tales of Vegas will continue on the next post, I'm sure you've only read this far for them so for that I apologise suckers.

But for now, like a JLS torso - I'm out

x